From: Kurtis
Date: Wednesday, April 30, 2003 1:41 PM
Subject: The Stages in a Man's Life

Uros' message got me to thinking about the stages in a Man's Life. I think
that they fall roughly as follows (all names and events are fictitious --
any resemblance to events or persons, living or dead, is merely
coincidence):

Stage 1) Childhood. No worries in the world.  Has a dog named Happy.  No
girlfriend or wife (to young).  Doesn't think about anything. Having
incredible fun with "Happy".

Stage 2) Early adolescence: No worries in the world (well, zits, probably).
Has second dog (Spot), just as good as Happy, but different color and breed.
Misses Happy, but doesn't talk about it. Still no girlfriend or wife (having
too much fun with Spot.)  One word: TITS.

Stage 3) Middle adolescence: No worries in the world.  Still has Spot.
Thinks about Happy when talking with (now) first girlfriend, named "Charly".
Has a GREAT time with "Charly".  Not spending quite as much time with Spot.

Stage 4) Late adolescence: Worries have come.  Mostly from his new
girlfriend Charlotte.  Doesn't spend any time with Spot.  Always at
Charlotte's house, or doing something with her.  Thinks about Charly once in
a while.  Talks to Spot about Charly, in the minimal time that he spends
with Spot.  2 words: FRENCH KISSING.  "What the hell are you trying to do to
me? Oh,... yeah.  Mmmmm."

Stage 5) Early College.  Who-ahhhh!  Charlotte's history!  "Charly who?"
Never goes home, so never sees Spot.  Talks to his friends a lot about
everything but classes and assignments.  One word: PUSSY!

Stage 6) End of College, beginning of work.  Has new "serious relationship",
with Diane.  Just started, and seems fantastic.  "Spot who,..., wha',...
huh?" One word: SEX!

Stage 7) 6 months in to relationship with Diane.  He's thinking "things are
FANTASTIC".  She's thinking, "6 months,...".  No real worries.  Spot dies at
home.  Two more words: MORE SEX!!

Stage 8) Hmmm. Possible worries, but he doesn't really know for sure.
Diane's friends have started to get married. She hasn't said the 'M' word,
yet, but it's on both their minds.  In different ways.  He's thinking,
"Yeah, it might work.  I'll just keep my mouth shut."  She's thinking, "1
year into this relationship,...".  No real worries.  Four words: SEX STILL
GOING STRONG.  "Yeah!"

Stage 9) Yup, just married.  No worries.  Things are great.  She's great.
Work's great. Life's pretty damn good.  Starts talking to friends about
doing lots of things on the weekends.  Two words: MARRIED SEX.  "Yeah,...
pretty damn good so far!  And I have guaranteed SEX forever. Though the
frequency seems to have tapered off a bit.  Well, we are both working a
lot."

Stage 10) End of first year of marriage. Oops!  Some worries, but not too
many. Apartment "too small", "waste of money", "not an investment", "in the
wrong place".  Starts talking to friends more, wife less.  Weekends away.
Having a great time.   6 words: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT SEX?  "Oh, yeah.
Well, things are still pretty good!"

Stage 11) New HOUSE.  Need more be said?  Worries. Worries. Worries. One
word: "SEX?"

Stage 12) New CAR.  "Having only one car is just SO hard on us."  He's
thinking, "OK, got a house. Got two cars.  GREAT."  She's thinking,
"Camcorder."  He says, "Do you think we need one?"  Oh, yeah.  They need
one.

State 13) Well, figure it out.  Wahhhhhh.  "Honey, get the Camcorder.
Junior's taking his first steps.  I would get it, but my belly is just
killing me these days.  It's like there's twins in there or something."
He's thinking "TWINS?  YIKES!! Nah.  It's just water retention,... maybe.  I
sure do miss Happy. What a great dog.  Boy, those College years sure were
fun.  I wonder what ever happened to Charly and Charlotte, and Susan, and
Tiffany.  Man, that Tiffany was a fox.  I wonder if,..., well,..."

Stage 14) The early 30's.  "Yes dear.  When do you need me to do that by?
I'll get to it right after I fix the house and cars and take Junior and
Missy to soccer and T-Ball practice and drop Darla off at her friend
Cassandra's house. Goddamnit, your parents are coming out again?  With your
brother and sisters and aunts?  And GRANDMA MOSES, too?  Weren't they just
here 3 years ago.  Man, time sure does fly."  He's thinking, "That
Cassandra's mom sure is a fox." Four words: SEX WITH CASSANDRA'S MOM.
(Well, the thought of it, anyway -- but THAT'S ENOUGH to keep him going!!)

Stage 15) The ball-less years.  He's thinking, "SEX WITH CHARLY'S DAUGHTER!"
One word: PRISON.

"Yup, Happy sure was a good dog.  So was Spot.  And I still think about
Charly, sometimes,....  And that daughter of hers,....!"  Three words: IN
YOUR DREAMS!

I sure like those Hybrid Cars.  Don't they cost an arm-and-a-leg?  No? Just
a couple of balls, huh?  Well, "You won't be needing these anymore."  And
that's just the down-payment.

For some reason, this just came to me while reading Uros' message.

OK, I'm off for a "Stage 5" weekend.  See ya'll later.

Kurtis
 

12 Feb 2006